Every family that searches for a rishta will, at some point, need to say no. It may be after a phone call, a video meeting or several visits. Declining is never pleasant, but how it is done matters a great deal. A kind, timely "no" leaves both families with their dignity intact. A delayed, vague or careless one can cause real hurt and, sometimes, lasting bad feeling between families who share relatives or communities.
Why the way you decline matters
The other family has invested hope, time and often money in hosting visits. Their son or daughter may have started to imagine a future. Remember how you would feel in their place, especially if you have experienced rejection yourself. Our article on coping with rejection describes how painful it can be.
Principles of a respectful rejection
1. Decide, then reply promptly
Do not let weeks pass in silence. Once your family has decided, reply within a few days. Silence is often more hurtful than a clear no, because it leaves the other side waiting and guessing.
2. The right person should communicate it
Usually it is best for the elder who has been in contact, often a parent, to call the counterpart in the other family. If a relative or friend introduced the rishta, let them know too, but do not let them become a messenger for complicated explanations.
3. Call rather than text
A short, warm phone call shows respect. A message can be acceptable if contact has only been online, but avoid leaving the other family to read a one-line text after several visits.
4. Keep the reason simple
You do not owe a detailed explanation. Detailed reasons often sound like criticism and invite argument. A general reason about compatibility is kinder and true in most cases.
5. Never criticise the person
Comments on appearance, complexion, weight, family status or income are hurtful and unnecessary. Even if those were factors for your family, they should never be said aloud.
6. Keep it private
Do not discuss the other family's details, photographs or conversations with relatives and friends. What was shared during the rishta process was shared in trust.
Phrases families can use
- "We are very grateful for your time and hospitality. After a lot of thought, we feel this is not the right match for our children. We pray Allah grants your son/daughter the very best."
- "Your family has been so kind to us. We have decided not to move forward, and we wish you every happiness."
- "We feel the two of them are looking for different things in life. It was a pleasure to meet you all."
In Urdu, many families simply say: "Aap ka bohat shukriya. Hum samajhte hain ke ye rishta naseeb mein nahi. Allah aap ke bachay ke liye behtareen faisla kare."
What to avoid
- Inventing excuses that can easily be discovered, such as claiming the rishta has been fixed elsewhere when it has not.
- Blaming the other person: "Your daughter did not seem interested."
- Leaving the door "a little open" when you have no intention of continuing.
- Asking for photographs or gifts to be returned in an unkind way. If gifts were exchanged at an engagement, return them quietly and respectfully.
If the other family asks for a reason
It is natural for them to want to understand. You can gently say that you looked at many aspects, such as plans, location or family set-up, and felt it was not the best fit. If there is a constructive, non-hurtful point that might genuinely help them, share it kindly. Otherwise, keep it general.
When relatives are involved
Rishtas between relatives are especially delicate. Speak to the family directly before word spreads, emphasise that relations will continue as before, and behave normally at the next family gathering. Time usually heals the awkwardness.
On online platforms
If you receive an interest on RishteyPk that you do not wish to pursue, you can simply decline it from your dashboard. If you have already been talking, a short, polite message before declining is a kind gesture.
Different situations, different approaches
After only a phone call or profile view
A short, polite message or call is enough: "Thank you for your interest. We do not feel it is the right match, and we wish you all the best." No lengthy explanation is needed.
After one or two meetings
A phone call from an elder is more appropriate. Thank them for their hospitality and time, give a gentle general reason if asked, and wish them well.
After many meetings or an informal agreement
This is the most delicate situation. A phone call, or even a short visit by elders, may be appropriate. Acknowledge the time and effort invested, apologise for any disappointment, and be clear that the decision is final, so the other family can move on.
After an engagement
Breaking an engagement is serious and should be handled by senior family members, with care and privacy. Return gifts respectfully and avoid public discussion. See our article on the engagement period.
When the decision is yours, not your parents'
Sometimes a young person decides against a rishta that their parents liked. In that case, the young person should explain their feelings to their parents clearly and respectfully, and the parents should communicate the decision to the other family. Parents should not tell the other family that their child was "difficult" or "not ready" as a way of shifting blame. A simple, united message from the family is kindest.
Receiving a rejection gracefully
Respect works in both directions. If you receive a "no", respond with grace: thank them for letting you know and wish them well. Avoid demanding detailed reasons or arguing. Families who accept rejection with dignity are remembered well, and sometimes recommended to others.
Why kindness here matters for everyone
Pakistani communities are closely connected. The family you decline may know your relatives, colleagues or neighbours. How you handle rejection becomes part of your family's reputation. More importantly, it affects real people who hoped for something good. A respectful decline reflects the values you hope to bring into your own child's marriage.
Frequently asked questions
Is it acceptable to decline without meeting?
Yes. If key facts do not fit your family's needs, it is better to decline early than to arrange a meeting you do not intend to pursue.
Should we give a reason?
Only a general, kind one. Detailed reasons rarely help and can hurt.
Can we stay in touch after declining?
If the families are related or know each other, normal friendly relations should continue. If not, there is no obligation, but courtesy is always appreciated.
Final thought
A rishta that does not go ahead can still end with mutual respect. The families you say no to today may be your neighbours, colleagues or relatives tomorrow. Decline the way you would hope to be declined: promptly, kindly and with dignity.
